Friday - Day 222 - Stress Series: Children

Our children probably cause the most amount of stress in our lives.   We love our kids and bend over backwards for them, but it is often the thankless job of being a parent that takes the most energy out of our day.   

As parents we perform a balancing act between keeping our children behaved and happy while maintaining our own sense of mental well being.  It is a challenging game of tug of war.

Whether it is the excessive chatter, numerous questions or high energy levels, my kids will find a way to infringe on my otherwise calm mood.  This is a given each and everyday. 

I know as a mom, I must choose my battles wisely.  There are many times a "No" is an absolute and James understands not to complain, whine or argue with me.  There are other times, I may give an inch and allow him his freedom or give him his request because I love him and want to see him happy.  

I have learned no matter what I anticipate his reaction to be, my decisions on his requests must be final and depending on his mood he will accept it or fight it.  If he accepts it, all is good, but if he rejects my answer, and there is no compromise, he will silently pout or loudly complain.  Regardless of his choices, he will ultimately reevaluate his mood and move on to his next "want".  It is really that simple.  

                      Isn't the battle always about a child's perception of their own wants and needs?  

My goal to alleviate all stress associated with my son was to reduce or eliminate the battles. 

I now find myself reasoning with my oldest child, something I could never do when he was younger.  I am intuitively honest with James which I realized was my secret weapon.  If he understands why I am telling him, "No" it helps him understand that there are other factors involved in why he can not get his way. 

I also discovered honesty, combined with not getting pulled into his emotional breakdowns have tremendously helped my own stress level.  I have reassured myself, it is okay if he cries or whines for a short time.  I will often acknowledge his mood, especially if he's tired.  I will let him know I understand he had a long day and I am sensitive to it, but I will continue to be firm.  I will also refuse to engage in a debate and as soon as I mentally let it all go, he comes around.  

True Story:  I asked James to help me write out note cards for family which included his soccer photo. He came up with one sentence for each card and I helped him with the spelling of the words he didn't know.  We were sitting in front of the post office, my intent was to mail the cards right away.  James was enthusiastic at first until he grew tired of writing and it got 'hard'.  I probably overwhelmed him with too many small directions, like putting a space between words and correcting a few spelling mistakes.  He shut down and began to whine.  I compromised and asked him to only write one word and his name.  But he gave me an adamant "NO!"  I knew he was in a bad place when he refused to write only his name.  Instead of getting upset, I mailed the cards we completed.  When I came back he was still upset, so I told him it was fine we would finish them another time, and as soon as I was about to pull out of my parking space, he changed his mood.  He decided he wanted to complete the final two cards, and he volunteered to mailed them and was in a much better mood.  James is my stubborn child, with a lot of his momma in him, we are learning to cope with our stress triggers together.  

My 22 month old is a little different.  Lately, he has been the cause of more stress, more often, as he is learning his way and becoming an independent little person.  He is still much easier than James was at this age, but I am also a more experienced mother.  Ty's outbursts can be unpredictable and may happen out in public.  Often they are unreasonable, irrational and he is unsoothable.  I remind myself his cries are temporary and as I work to keep my mind clear, I give him a hug and whisper that "I love him".  Maybe the hug is for my own salvation, but I maintain my patience until he has settled down.  

True Story:  We were in Walmart and Ty was upset because he wanted something he couldn't have.  He screamed his typical high pitched scream.  I caught people staring at us out of the corner of my eye, but I refused to get sucked into their voyeuristic world.  I ignored everyone, but did make a light hearted comment to the checkout person and smiled warmly.  I gave Ty a squeeze and told him it was okay.  People who have their own kids always understand and if they don't I will never see them again anyway.  

Our children will always "want" for something until the day we die.  I am not a bad parent for saying "no" because boundaries are a good.  I am not a bad parent if my child is sad or upset, because expressing our feelings is also good.  I am confident with my own parenting style and my own way of managing my children's lives.  I do not read parenting books, I feel no guilt and try not to compare my children to others.  All kids have good and bad behavior, some days we get it right and other days we may not, but as parents we always need to give ourselves a break. 

I personally get overwhelmed with whining and crying or if I have to raise my voice.  I am doing less and less voice raising by managing how I allow my child's mood to infringe on my own mood.  I mentally check in on my patience when I experience a trigger.  It had been a challenge, but it has become easier ans more natural, and I've become increasingly more present in the moment, instead of thinking about all the things I need to get done later in the day. 

I prefer love with firm boundaries, teaching manners and respect and most important lots of hugs and kisses.   My kids may not like me all the time, but they will always love me no matter what I do.